Merry-go-round of life.

[Break Free]

I've recently started the next level, and found myself in some overwhelm, which is ok, it's hard at times but there's growth too. But add to this, ending a relationship I had with this amazing woman I've gotten to know over the course of about 5 years, and fell madly in love with, so it's been a bit tough. The funny thing about this woman is that just as I feel I'm getting past the pain, something pulls me back, again and again. A mutual friend is trying to get us together again but I'm resisting because I know what will happen, I'll fall for her games again and get hurt, so no more. To be honest every fibre of my being is saying go back, it'll be differant, but no, some things just don't change.
All this got me thinking about my stuff, about people, about life. We go through life just following impulses, instincts, desires, needs. We're drawn to do things, be a certain way, think a certain way, why? most of the time we have no idea, we just do.
Sometimes life is like a merry-go-round, we get on and go round and round, only momentarily pauseing to catch our breath and then off again, round and round we go.
It's in that all too breif pause that we can get off the ride and stop going around, getting nowhere. Stop and ask ourselves why?, what's the point?, constantly repeating the same scenarios, the same mind games we all play, the same pain we put ourselves and others through.
It feels like trying to stop a following river with our hands and body, impossible, but with appropriate materials it can be done, one step at a time.
Same with lifes merry-go-round, it can be stopped, one ride at a time. The funny thing though, life and desires can put you to sleep so quickly, before you know it you're going round again. Every thing in you is saying do it, but a tiny voice, barely heard is saying no, stop, think.
Anyway I'm off the ride, I've run out of cash lol.
BF

[Break Free]

Oops don't know what happened here, this is a repeat so please disregard this one or the other one, I think, boy I really mucked someting up again, thankyou.
BF

[Opening Soul]

BF- Stay strong. It sounds like you know where you want to go. Just stay strong and try to get some more time between you and the situation. Time always passes and you can either use it to get over something or you can be sucked back onto the merry-go-round where it sounds like you would have to eventually get off again and start the healing process all over again. I do think people can change but it takes a lot of courage and work. I myself was a person with many abandonment issues and games that I played with the man that I eventually married. It took him breaking up with me for over a year and us having no contact in order for me to stop clinging to someone else for validation. I did so much learning during that time.....really tough love on myself. It was the most heart wrenching time period for me not only because of the break up but because of the healing I began doing. I now accept it as a gift that was given to me from my higher self. I really don't think I would be the person I am today if my husband would not have stayed away from me and had allowed me to go on the way I was going (and I am very proud of the person I have become, I may have flaws but am stronger than I ever thought I could be, unselfish and appreciative). Which ever way this pans out I feel that there is an opportunity for growth, perhaps by both of you, but really you cannot concern yourself with her path. Listen to that tiny voice, your intuition. By the way, I have girlfriends that 10 year later STILL are playing the same games, refusing to look at themselves first. Their love life is full of cheating, divorce, turmoil. My point is, don't look for examples of where it does all work out because many times it won't. My heart is with you, I know the pain and it feels like it will last forever sometimes, it does fade.

[Harmony]

BF--we ride the merry-go-round until we realize we are, along with all the illusions it contains. That's when we start making conscious choices about what we really want for ourselves, and look inside to see what our motivations were for staying on the ride for so long.

What is triggering this love/longing response with this woman? If you don't discover and heal it, you will continue to be drawn to the same kind of emotionally destructive relationships. With my ex, I found that the thing he ultimately loved in me was that I loved him--because he had not learned to love himself and was looking for someone else to validate him. It took 23 yrs to realize that we weren't feeding each other's spirit.

Congrats on seeing the illusion, now create your own reality!

[Gentle Wlnd Whispers]

The clinical term for “merry-go-round” is repetition compulsion. That is recreating situations that are similar to those from the past that contain emotional/cognitive issues that have not been resolved. What is maddening about this is that this is an unconscious process. If we were consciously aware we were doing this, we would work on the issues directly i.e. we wouldn’t repeat the same behavior expecting different results. This is why holosync is important and why people like Ken Wilber and others tell us the “spiritual journey” must include emotional/cognitive work as well as physical and spiritual work. What we don’t resolve from the past will be repeated until we do resolve it. That’s the way the unconscious works. We have to use holosync and other modalities to make these unconscious issues into conscious awareness so that we are aware we are repeating something from the past and can consciously work to resolve the issues.

This applies to relationships in that we try to work out with our partners, the unresolved issues from our family of origin/parents. It can’t be done. The unconscious only recognizes the “original object” and accepts no substitutes. Therefore we work out our issues with our family of origin/parents with them and not with our mate.A core piece of couples therapy work is to do individual family of origin work in the presence of the other partner so that both people are aware of the past issues of the other. This is not all of it, but a large part of it. There are other issues like in-law/family of origin interference in the relationship, “if you were just who I needed you to be, I’d feel better, so stop being who you are and be who I want you to be”, programming and conditioning about gender, belief systems, etc.

There are those “therapists” who write books and capitalize on the repetition compulsion belief system that one can get from one’s mate what one didn’t get from one’s parents. People love to believe that, so they buy the books. Then they beat the hell out of their mate trying to get what the mate can’t give. I worked with such a therapist whose name is well known and is quite rich as a result of putting out this garbage. He consciously knew this would sell his book. We parted ways when his book came out. I didn’t know he was actually going to put out this crap. Sorry, it got personal there. He thinks he’s an enlightened spiritual teacher too. He was even on Oprah a few times. No I don’t mean Dr. Phil.

So if you want to learn more about your mate choice, make a list of the positive and negative characteristics of both parents. Now make a similar list about your mate. Circle the similarities.
Love at first sight is often just the unconscious saying “Hi mom and dad. Good to see ya”. Throw sex into the mix and you’re off to the races.

Since I’m writing a book here, I’ll add one more thing. Never underestimate the power of ceremony which is symbols going directly to the unconscious. Ceremonies like weddings. Ever wonder why people get along so well until they get married? You walk down the isle as friends and lovers. The person leading the ceremony pronounces you “husband and wife”. The first husband you ever knew is your father. The first wife you ever knew was your mother. The unconscious says, “Okay I’m now a husband/my father or a wife/my mother. I am now with my wife/mother or husband/father.” Sex turns to incest i.e. “I’m now having sex with mom or dad. Other dynamics are created duplicating the first relationship you knew i.e. husband/father, wife/mother. Hell of a fun system, isn’t it

These unresolved family origin issues effect all of our relationships, not just the romantic ones.

If you want to get off the merry-go-round/repetition compulsion, you need to do the cognitive/emotional work, especially on family of origin.

[Gentle Wlnd Whispers]

Link for Tolle on relationships. Very good. The way to work on relationship is to work on ourselves.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLfEADDxBS4

[Gerry]

Hi Gww,

I'm with you there on family origin issues. After doing them Hoffman Process, I've definitely healed my past and many of my self defeating patterns. I've got such incredible clarity now. Gone is so much of the confusion that made my life a misery in the past. Gone is the blame and all that comes with it. " Everyone is guilty but no one is to blame' was a favorite saying of Bob Hoffman, the founder of the process. Through examining my past and identifying the negative patterns that I learnt from my parents, I've been able to let go of the hurt, confusion, anger, frustration and the of course the blame. By realizing that, like me, my parents learnt their negative patterns (from their parents), I've totally forgiven them. I'm no longer a victim. I'm free, open and loving. It's up to me now.

Of course there are times when I go back into these patterns but once I'm aware of it I have the choice to let go. Holosync is helping me here.

Interesting that you mention ceremonies. The Process is full of them! One for every part of the process finished. Also, I think John Bradshaw is on the board and myabe a graduate himself.

Regards

Gerry

[Gentle Wlnd Whispers]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Deq_1lg9Dlo

[Stalking Owl]

BF--great thread! Looks like you've got some good resources to check out here.

I came to the same realization as you years ago. I got off that merry-go-round and stayed off. I spend my time working on myself now. I haven't ruled out meeting someone to share my life with some day if that's in the cards. But I'm in no rush and I have no intention of allowing desperation or compulsive disorders to drive me toward what you just described so eloquently. Been there; done that too many times.

Congratulations on the first step: developing the awareness to see the syndrome. That was a turning point for me and I'll bet it will be for you, too.

[Break Free]

Thankyou all for your responces, it really helps to put things out, like I'm ridding myself of whatever is going on inside. This morning I had a most amazing session, my mind was so quiet and still, I actualy thought, hey what's going on, it's quiet, where are the thoughts? as soon as I thought this I stopped myself just and enjoyed the stillness. It was weird though, it was as though I could see inside my head, and it was calm and still and empty! The empty part is a bit of a worry though, but it explains a lot, hehe.
BF
PS, Gww, a book, you were'nt kidding, but I do appreciate it, and I have lots to think about. I'll tell you a little secret though, I never got to second or is it third? base with her, we had a strange relationship, and we laughed a lot. She was divorced but had not let go of her past and there was a lot anger there, so things were doomed from the start, but fell for her magic I did, big time. But I don't regret any of it, I can walk away now and I feel good about it.

[Gentle Wlnd Whispers]

Tolle is right. You have to be tired of the suffering before you're willing to do the "work".

[elonblock]

BF,

You are absolutely correct. I know I have ridden that merry go round for way tooo long! The good news is that yo uhave become aware of what you are being/doing in this case.

Just that awareness of seeing what you are doing is HUGE! It's been my experience that I am able to make a different choice only when I become aware.

Congrats to you!:-)

Here's the 64,000 dollar question. Now that you have the awareness, what's next???

Elon