Starting AL4 and Checking In

[remembering]

Hi everyone. I’ve been lurking lately, following everyone’s great posts though.

I’m just starting AL4 Dive plus Immersion after a month on Dive only. Whew, overwhelm started right in. I’m learning so much about “myself“. There’s no room for peace, love and joy right now. There is a huge amount of anger. I’m watching it; I don’t want to do anything to stop it for fear of just repressing it back into those dark recesses. Once in a while it tries to dip into hopelessness but that I won’t allow. There is no way I will go back there again.

I’ve known anger was within for many years but I think I’ve finally opened the door and the fire breathing dragon has been waiting for me. This has been going on for about a week; today I’m feeling somewhat lighter. It’s like I’m mad at everyone, ok, maybe I haven’t owned my anger. I’ve always tried to be nice, understanding and give people the benefit of the doubt, trying to put myself in their shoes, making excuses. You know, the way nice people act.

Luckily I’m not venting on anyone except maybe some on my partner. It’s like all the things that ever irritated me about others, and I tried to (repress) talk myself into peace and calm over, are coming out. This is all ok, this is big. I expect a real breakthrough into being the more genuine self that I gave up long ago due to the loneliness of the state. I want to try it again, only this time I’ll be more aware…might not need much company…I’m ok on my own now. Hope this helps someone else as they go through the levels.

[liz in nyc]

Another way of thinking about the roots of anger and its suppression/repression--one that goes back further into a person's childhood, and one I know you, too, are familiar with GWW, comes out of the work of the Scotchish psychoanalyst, Fairbairn. (This is complex and important work that I'm not quite able to formulate right--but it's important enough that I want to put it out here, even imperfectly.) If I understand him correctly, he finds that children will do most anything to preserve their bonds with their caregivers. This means that in many circumstances, at the hands of insensitive, not good-enough parenting kids will to one extent or another become unaware of their own hurt and resultant anger in order to continue trying to be good-enough children so as to merit better treatment and be worthy of loving and being loved.

[elonblock]

Liz,

In the LPIP course, Bill also talks about this exactly as you are describing. As a layman, my perspective is this is human nature at work. Everybody wants to be loved and accepted.

As small children we trust and rely on adults to do this for us, because that's the way we are hard wired and we really do not know any better. We believe adults have our best interests at heart. That "bond" is made of some awfully strong material.

Elon



Elon

[remembering]

Liz - You are so right on. My anger definitely stems from a dysfunctional time when I was too young to have formed a mind where I could understand that that was not the way the whole world worked. Instead I just tried to make them love me and took (and believed) much of the blame and guilt upon myself. Anyway only the parents could express anger in that family, God help us bad little kids who did. I like to call us humans Homo adaptabilus. If dysfunctional were the way the world worked I would be good at it; maybe it is and I am. Too bad I wasn‘t exposed to something more like loving oneself instead of so much turmoil.

Gratitude, Love and Light

Re

[elonblock]

Well said Wind Walker!

This is a great example which will help and support others on their journey to let the real person inside all of us to finally show up!

Elon

[remembering]

Thank you Everyone, your experience, thoughts and suggestions are deeply appreciated. I know that I and many others will be helped by your generous sharing.

In the present, most of the anger that was overwhelming me for the last few days has dissipated, not all though, thank goodness. The dragon is at work building energy; waiting for the next opportunity.

Now there are rare glimpses of something…it's like a hole in the fabric of consciousness where I can see my surroundings and visualizations as crystal clear, all alive a buzzing. There is no confusion; I have no desire to muddle things up with thoughts. These are colorful (not bright, but rich, highly saturated colors) tiny glimpses that only last for seconds, and then it’s back to my normal consciousness. Hummm, veeeery interesting.

They’re probably those_____, I can’t remember the name of those little blisses that Genpo Roshi talks about being nothing special for those who meditate. When the inner camera shutter clicks open for an instant.

I haven’t experienced them before this though and they’re not confined to my meditation sessions. I don’t really want to try to increase these moments because it’s much too easy to get caught up going for the ‘bling’ rather than lasting change.

Namaste,

Re

[Paul_36]

I think the word you were looking for is "satori" moments... little glimpses of sudden awareness.

Good weekend to all,
Paul

[remembering]

Thank you Paul - That's it.

[Sesar]

What do u reckon of people who have grown up 2 b good and go to church and were good boys or girls..
Sometimes i find it hard to connect wif them cuz they haven't done the bad things n find out for themselves like u said
"WindWalker". Are they really still that innoccent and any different from us.. I meet some people that r lke this n some are really mature for their age.

I know what lead me to Holosync and that was Self-Improvement. There were a lot of things i wanted to do to improve myself and wrote of a list of things down i wanna achieve and try.

[remembering]

Checking back in after a few months… Greetings to all my fellow Holosyncers. AL4 D1 proved to be rough for quite a bit of the time. At the end things finally leveled out and I felt pleasantly and calm. AL4 D2 started out mildly irritating, then nothing seemed to be happening. I wondered if I had mistakenly reloaded disk 1 again but after re-copying it on my Ipod it was the same. Now I’m starting disk 3 and whoa! More anger is coming up. Since I’m now ‘experienced’ at the anger thing I find myself talking to the emotion and saying thank you, I know this needs to be acknowledged so I can release it. The same old injustices from the past keep popping up in my mind. Some of them are getting less painful as I allow the thoughts and feelings into my consciousness. It’s taking me a couple of extra weeks or so before I feel brave enough to start the next disk. It would be nice if I could stop fighting yesterday's battles and live in the Now. I stopped using the Holosync disk last week and listened to Gamma Compassion 3 instead. It has made a big difference in how I feel...it really does seem to open my heart a little more. It's back to AL4 D3 next week. I’m going to alternate, as per the instructions suggest, with dive/immersion and gamma/immersion. Regards to All

[Paul_36]

I'm exactly where you're at in the program AL4 D3. I'm finding Isabel Joely Black's daily Holosync blog completely helpful as I go thru this level as I'm about a month behind her (she just started AL4 D4). Just in case you are not familiar with her blog i'll leave the link to it below in case you're interested.

You said something interesting in your post, "It would be ice if could stop fighting yesterday's battles and live in the Now." I know exactly what you mean by that because old stuff that I thought I'd released has been resurfacing for me as well! However, I think it's important to remember that whatever is coming up is always TODAY's battle. That is, no matter what we're going through, it's always NOW. Anyway, just a perspective I was thinking about when I read that.

AL3 has been a very challenging level indeed for me. Lots of upheaval and I'm just coming off a solid week of difficulty which has turned to bliss and everything feeling fine emotionally. I feel less fearful than ever (still there is some fear though...i sense it in my heart at times). But,nonetheless, I feel stronger and more confident that I had the courage to go into the stuff that was arising over the past week.

Peace
Paul

PS Isabel's blog ... http://zeninheels.wordpress.com/

[remembering]

Interesting perspective on yesterday's/today's battles Paul. I can agree with you that if the battles are here today it's today's energy that is being spent on them.

Thanks for the link... I'll visit her.

[Joely Black]

Just wanted to say I'm very glad you've found my blog helpful!